how to get ready for a dick appointment

Originally published October 21 2019

Disclaimer: as a woman who has participated in mostly heterosexual experiences, this blog post takes a very heteronormative approach. I acknowledge that gender and sexuality are fluid and hope this post brings you some form of entertainment.

I feel like I've had my fair share in one night stands and casual partners that I am well versed in the concept of dick appointments and have the adequate knowledge to help assist you get ready for your next one (dick, cooch, whatever you're into). I can't believe I'm writing this sorry Mum. PS: to anyone who isn't a millennial, dick appointment is synonymous with booty call, and here are my personal go-to's before revelling in that good good.

The Triple S
Ah yes the shit, shower, shave; my three pre-coitus essentials.
Shit: now I don't know what you're into but I reckon it's always best to be completely, ugh, flushed (?) before getting into any downstairs partying. If you are on the receiving end of any action of the booty type I think it's purely a matter of respect and consideration. Also it just feels so much better when you don't have to worry about accidentally expelling a stinky one mid-sex.
Shower: this one's pretty obvious, and in line with the previous one; being clean is just a matter of respect. No one likes a smelly boy nor a sticky one and sex works up a sweat enough you don't need to be adding to that. On top of that, be sure to shower afterwards too because you don't want to be lingering with that post-sex stench on the train to work the next day.
Shave: this one obviously isn't necessary but I FROTH the feel of smooth legs and something about a silky smooth base that makes me ooze with confidence like yes daddy feel up my freshly exfoliated, shaved, moisturised, adhered to the patriarchy's standards' legs.
With these three S's down pat you are now clean and ready for some quality dicking.

What's in my bag?
You've got to pack your bag not too light so that you're not prepared for an awkward situation, and not too heavy incase you were under the impression you were sleeping over but really 30 seconds post-nut they hit you with the "I'm actually pretty tired" and you awkwardly have to conceal your next day pair of underwear and toothbrush to disguise the fact you were extremely eager and prepared for morning sex. ANYWHOMST these are my dick appointment essentials:
- Charger: an obvious one. How are you gonna call an uber when your phones dead?
- Wallet: another obvious one. What if you want to treat yourself to some post-cum maccas?
- Keys: I'm not even going to explain this one.
- BYOC: a girl in Melbourne Gal Pals introduced this one to me; "bring your own condom". Never rely on the man because majority of the time they're dumb.
- Lube: fuck what Jonah Hill said in Superbad, women will ALWAYS be thankful for having a gigantic bottle of lube. It upsets me that a lot of people have never experienced the wonders of lube before. It’s like wearing non-powdered gloves - it works fine but powder makes your hands slide in easier. This is my favourite lube it tastes like sour watermelon lollies xx
- Toys, mayhaps? Don't be afraid to incorporate more than just the human anatomy into your sex life. I recently bought my very first vibrator (can't believe it took this long) and you fucking know I'll be bringing it to my next appointment. The only thing I am yet to overcome is how to have that conversation with sexual partners. How do you say "hey is it cool if I bring a 5 inch butt plug and some rope?" or do you just whip it out? Let me know if you have experience in this area xx
- Spare underwear: in the event you do sleepover or you have plans to go somewhere afterwards, always bring a spare change of underwear, or else your just adding to the post-sex stinkiness. Funny story time: back when I was seeing this guy I had work one morning the night after staying over. I walked into work and reached into my bag to whip out my bandana to get into uniform and I DEADASS pull out my dirty underwear from the night before for all of Chadstone to see.
- Your dignity: at the end of the day, dick is high in supply and low in value. Don't let a dick define you. Don't let a dick bring you down. Don't let a dick stop you from being the badass homie you are. Your dignity is precious.
Outfit 
Picking out the perfect outfit is the hardest part because you're stuck between looking good and having the mentality of "this is all going to be taken off within five minutes anyway". I always opt for something that is comfortable and easy to take off. Usually, leggings and an oversized top never fails because it's not only the second best thing to pyjamas but also allows yourself to be easily accessed by hand. Last time I wore jeans a man almost teared the zip off and thats the last time I wear my $80 Topshop skinny legs to a dick appointment.
Plan B (not the contraceptive type)
So what happens when it doesn't go to plan? What happens when you rock up and his house smells like body odour and cigarettes and theres a gatorade bong on the table and theres no toilet paper and there may as well be a flashing neon swastika on the wall? What DO you do??? Lately I've been practicing being more transparent with men, and voicing what I do and don't like. When I walked into the exact situation I just described (minus the swastika), I explicitly said to the guy "I am disgusted by these living standards and refuse to have sex in this environment so I'm going to leave" and I fucked off from there as quickly as possible. Obviously it takes quite the chutzpah to be this honest with someone so let's explore some other options where you need to za za zoom. Here a few I have came up with:
- Leave in the middle of the night while they're asleep
- Say you have work early in the morning
- Fake a phone call with the classic; "Something terrible just happened!"
- Excuse yourself to go to the toilet but actually just leave
- Fuck their housemate instead
I hope these are scenarios you won't have to find yourself in and if you ever do please never hesitate to message me because even at 2am chances are I'll be awake and I'll be ready with an escape plan.

Anywhomst I hope this blog was useful and you'll bookmark it so you can return to it next time you get ready to frickle frackle.