Bubble Buddy? Bubble Bullshit.
Welcome to a new series on my blog called “Gabby Rambles” where I come to you with a written display of my stream of consciousness with absolutely no evidence to back myself up. A place to purely churn out my thoughts without the pressure to be relatable, relevant, or informative. A therapeutic outlet free of judgement.
Today’s episode: gross men on dating apps exploiting the bubble buddy system during lockdown.
Us singles have done it rough this past year and half, but every time a lockdown comes around, so do the herd of slimy men ready to get their dicks wet. I love how men on dating apps will say “will you be my bubble buddy” within the first three sentences of conversation. Because it’s obvious within the five minutes of matching that Jake from Brunswick is going to be faithful to me as his bubble buddy and is definitely not asking other girls the same thing. Because I would definitely risk potentially transmitting COVID to go see this smelly fuckboy who probably won’t even make me cum and is most likely to kick me out during curfew.
My friend told me how she was going to become bubble buddies with this guy she met up with to boink, he then ghosted her for a couple of days, only to return and say “sorry, I’ve bubbled up with someone else”. How many guys are doing this? How many guys are having one night stands with multiple partners under the guise of being a “bubble buddy” or “intimate partner”. There is no “try before you buy”.
No offence Jake, but I’d rather stick to my clit stimulator 3000 on this one. Additionally, how many housemates does Jake have? Are they also commingling with their respective “bubble buddies”. Do you see the domino effect this is creating?
Bubble buddy doesn’t mean you choose one girl, decide “nah I’m not interested” and then move onto the next. Bubble buddy doesn’t mean “I’ll only go to their house, but I’ll have other people over at my house”. Bubble buddy doesn’t mean I can go over for a root, then visit my parents on the way home. I jUsT tHiNk iTs FuNnY how people think they are somewhat exempt to the current lockdown restrictions. Why are you allowed to go get your desires fulfilled? What makes you special? Did you win genitals of the year? Is this your reward? To go have sex with four different “intimate partners” while the rest of us suffer? I can’t even go visit my parents to piss off the family cat but you can go get your pussy popped? I want to emphasise that this does not apply to intimate partners! This is for Dylan from Essendon that has buddied up with 70% of his Tinder matches.
Don’t even get me started on the cesspool that is Tinder right now. That’s a whole blog post for another day. There are too many “want to be bubble buddies?” and not enough “have you been vaccinated?”. While we are here though I will however digress and ask that we talk about the grossness and point blank lie behind the phrase “6’3, because that matters”. It never mattered Brandon, you made it some weird competition amongst your homies out of fear that it will compromise your masculinity.
Anyway, I know we’re all horny right now but let’s start being a bit more pragmatic. Take a second to recognise the reasoning behind the bubble buddy system, and please, for the all horny and isolated humans out there, please don’t abuse it.