Rating Victorian Lockdowns Out of Five

Us Victorians have been doing it rough for the past year. I thought what better way to commemorate our fifth lockdown by rating each of Victoria’s lockdowns out of five. One being “damn we may as well live in that prison system as seen in that movie The Platform” and five being “I can happily live like this for the rest of my life, try me Dan”.

I gathered the dates of each lockdown loosely by what was on the parliament of Australia website and by the photos I had accumulated on my camera roll.

Lockdown One // MARCH 25 - MAY 11 2020

Honestly this was THE time to be alive like if there is one moment in history that future generations will talk about it would be THIS PERIOD IN TIME. We’re at the beginning of a virus that’s sweeping the globe, which retrospectively speaking we still don’t know when will end, we’re barely recovering from the country being on fire, everything is a blur, and all we can really do is try learn the renegade dance and figure out how Zoom works.

All global atrocities aside, I am living my best life. I am rolling in job keeper money and living in the confines of my parent’s home with the prospect of paying rent months away. I am spending money left, right, and centre. My closet is Cotton On’s entire inventory.

I took on many positions this lockdown. I assumed the role of hair stylist as I cut my fringe to Fitzroy-level and dyed it purple. I was a graphic designer for Grill’d as I drew supportive messages on hundreds of bags throughout the day. I was an interior designer who tried her best to make her room resemble that of a pinterest mood board. And finally, my most demanding role of this lockdown, was the role of entrepreneur as I became very familiar with the OnlyFans industry (no further questions, you had to be there).

Lockdown Uno was definitely one for the books, who would’ve known we’d be back here over a year later. Overall: 4/5.

Lockdown 2: Electric Boogaloo // JULY 8 - SEPTEMBER 27

Our longest lockdown to date. Masks are introduced, no one really knows how to wear one but every mother and their son has launched a mask business with that one Mr Sparkle fabric available from Spotlight. It’s my first lockdown living out of home and I’m trying really hard to get my daily fruits and veg in with this new concept of “cooking for yourself”. My mum isn’t here to stop me from drinking a bottle of moscato every night. I can’t stop performing WAP in my bedroom. I’m trying to turn my bedroom into the upscale sesh den it once was at my parent’s house.

Just before lockdown two was introduced I went on a date with this cutie I had met through Instagram. Let’s just say lockdown gave him a pretty good excuse to not see me again. My minor heartbreak was quickly replaced by season 8 of The Bachelor. I don’t have time for a man when it is my duty to this country to be live tweeting every episode. That being said, lockdown two saw me speaking to an array of men who over time proved to be insignificant.

After months of getting drunk every night, serving Troye Sivan at work, and trying to be that bitch who runs around the tan twice a week, this lockdown was able to score itself a 3/5.

Lockdown 3: Tokyo Drift // FEBRUARY 12 - FEBRUARY 17 2021

Conspiracy theory: any time I think a date goes well, lockdown is introduced in order to bring me back down to earth. This man ghosted me after what I thought to be an amazing date only to come back five days later and say “oh I’m not really checking my phone durning lockdown”, which to that I say - what the fuck else are you doing? This was honestly a turning point in my dating prospects. I was officially over men. Valentines Day in lockdown meant flowers from my housemate, face masks, and a visit from Abbie.

It was also my first lockdown with a bike! With barely any cars on the road, it was so freeing to perform illegal turns and cycle the city streets as if I were Timothee Chalet on the cobblestones of Italy in Call Me By Your Name.

Literally the most uneventful lockdown to date. 2/5.

Lockdown 4: MAY 28 - JUNE 10

Was very horny this lockdown??? After a four month “no dating” policy I caved and redownloaded Tinder knowing FULL WELL we were in a lockdown and my needs couldn’t be met. Tinder really said: “Hey Gabby, we know you’re sick of meeting someone and going through the whole talking phase, so we’re just going to fill your feed with men you have already been involved with”. Basically, talking to old flings is what kept me occupied in lockdown four. Not to mention the weather this time round was pristine. So pristine that I spent most of it in Carlton gardens.

I also got the pleasure of hosting a Swinburne movie trivia over Zoom! I had never been a host/MC before but when the thought of having all the attention on me came to mind, I just couldn’t say no when my friend Sinead asked if I was interested. The night actually went so well! Everyone involved had gotten dressed up and even curated their own themed snacks and beverages. Not to mention people actually LAUGHED at MY jokes?? The ego boost was exactly what I needed to get me through lockdown.

A lockdown of flings, fame, and fresh air deserves a rating of 5/5.

Lockdown No. 5 // JULY 16 - JULY 28 ??

Yo straight up this lockdown I have been THRIVING. This is my first lockdown after quitting my job and all I can say is “damn so this is what it was like all 2020 huh?”. But also, it couldn’t have come at a better time. This past week I have been able to get my shit together. I’ve had the time to relax and unwind, but I now also have the time to put the passion and effort into my blogging and photography that they both deserve. This has meant spending hours fine tuning this blog, building my network via online mediums, and I guess really refining my “brand” and where I see myself in the short-term future. I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made in just a week, and its wild to think that I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made the leap to quit my job without another one lined up. This year hasn’t gone according to plan, but I think I’ve made some pretty great decisions in terms of my career recently. Other great decisions include buying a NutriBullet and living off smoothies for the foreseeable future. Also the worst part about no longer working in hospitality means no longer having a means of exercise. Squatting to pick up three trays of bread is a workout that I won’t find else where, so I’ve been trying to suss out a few 10 minute home workouts to release at least a few endorphins (view aftermath below).

At the back of my mind there is that impending doom that I’m going to fall into a rut one of these days and become an absolute slob but we’re exactly a week into lockdown and I’m going pretty strong. Let’s keep it up, Gabby! 4/5 stars.

*omg we got out July 28!!