2020 Recap
Can I get one big ZOOWEEMAMA for 2020?? Where to BEGIN??? It’s safe to say 2020 blatantly raw dogged all of us in a metric fuck tonne of different ways, and I’m here to air my grievances. Also this blog is a shoutout to my friend deanjames who made feel better today after a crummy few weeks.
At face value, this is how my year went:
After graduating last December I had planned to continue working at my current job as a means to save up for my Europe trip. Ideally I would get back from Europe and then begin looking to move out and finding a job relevant to my degree. After Europe got cancelled (which luckily I hadn’t booked anything for yet), I was able to use the money I had saved up to move out. I was lucky enough to tick off one thing on the 2020 vision board. I then began my job search which was met with zero luck. 30+ applications and not a single interview! We love to see it! I’ve given up on the job hunt for the time being, but hopefully 2021 sees me progress in my desired career path (couldn’t tell you what that path is).
Now let’s get into the interpersonal reflection. 2020 sucked (TW body image). I lost friends, experienced multiple disappointments, and felt the most insecure within myself. For the first time in years I feel self-conscious about my physical appearance. Not competing in cheerleading for the first year in six years has taken a toll on my figure, and it has brought on feelings of resentment and shame. For the most part I have never felt embarrassed about the way I look, knowing and accepting that I’m not considered conventionally pretty. That changed this year, and I’m trying to reignite the spark of body confidence which has become a notable quality of mine over the years. I stopped being active, and my body had to readjust, and that’s okay. Weight fluctuates, and it shouldn’t have an impact on who I am on the inside.
More of my insecurities began to manifest itself in my friendships. 2020 saw me navigate through different friendships in new and difficult ways. I became marginalised from my cheer friends, which I put most of the blame on myself. I made a choice to distance myself from my best friend for three months. I went through difficult situations with my work friends. I feel like I have had to try really hard with friendships this year, and to me I don’t think solid friendships are meant to require extraneous emotional labour. I have been put into the position of “do I try harder or just give up?” far too many times this year, and I still find myself tip-toeing along that line. It feels like I’m measuring the value of some of these relationships by seeing how much shit I can take from someone. When I’m feeling like this I try to remember what Chidera Eggerue (theslumflower) says about this; “what’s the point in trading your humanity for arbitrary validation from people who make you jump through hoops for their acceptance?”.
This year I have found myself questioning who I am. Are my own insecurities compromising on these friendships? Or are these friendships further validating my insecurities? What I have been made aware of though is that the world doesn’t favour confident women. When women choose to disregard the patriarchy’s standard of “sit down and shut up”, the people before them become morally stunted and are unable to handle their reality being challenged. Somehow being too much still isn’t enough. I have felt the need to shrink myself into a more palatable version for others to consume, as they won’t accept me otherwise. I have been made to feel ashamed of who I am, and the universe continues to show that who I am is not enough. Sometimes I tell myself I wish I was just normal, a wallflower that no one really cared for. I tell myself that I’d rather have someone hear my name and not know who I am, than hear it and have something bad to say. Then I turn back around and say, if I refuse to stand up for myself and all the other “weird” ones out there, am I beginning to weaken my individual morality? There is always a reason why someone is the way they are. I’ve always grown up being the “weird” one, the outsider, the one who is a little too much. Throughout primary school, throughout high school, and throughout multiple facets of my life now. Being the weird one doesn’t get you anywhere. “Gabby you are the baddest bitch I know! You are so outgoing and take no shit. I wish I was as sexually liberated as you. You are such an empowering being!!” But where has that gotten me? What do I have to show for it? A blog with a few thousand views? A list of people who want to neither date me or be my friend?
Speaking of, this is a shoutout to the men I had the unfortunate pleasure of getting to know throughout 2020. This is to Tommy who ghosted me, Leonardo who told me “life is just crazy at the moment”, Tim who told me I was too outgoing, Matt who kept wanting to send dick pics, Rory who told me on the first date that he cheated on his fiance, and Dale who continues to message me in four month increments. Thank you to all of you, I am officially on a hiatus from men. I have been completely uninspired. When the second lockdown was over and I finally had sex after a desperate four months, I was left feeling underwhelmed. That was it? I waited four months for this? Heck I could go another four. Sex? Overrated. Dick? High supply, low demand. As mentioned in my previous blog, why should I spend hours trying to attain boring men when I can be doing what I’m doing now, focusing on writing my blog? In a way it’s kind of a relief that this year’s recap wasn’t all spent talking about men. We love to see character development!
So there you have it, this year’s recap was ALMOST as sad and depressing as 2018’s, but I guess that’s to be expected when we spent 90% of it in a pandemic. Not much but at the same time a lot has changed this year. The self-reflection and deep interpersonal analysation will continue into 2021, and hopefully the universe will bring me some sort of spiritual awakening so I can finally start feeling settled within my psyche. For now I am trying to live my best life in my new home in the northside. I currently love it here. Our house feels like a home. I’m currently taking a break from dating and it feels good to not worry about a guy replying to my texts. These last few weeks leading up to the new year have been horrible. I know I’m going to shed waterworks when the clock strikes midnight, but hopefully it will be a huge reset in preparation for 2021.